This sucks. I know some people consider that a curse word but there’s no other way to put it.
(If you’ve been through this with a beloved pet I’m going to warn you now this may bring back memories and not necessarily pleasant ones…don’t read if you are affected easily)
I’m on second day and everywhere I look, everything reminds me of him. Everything I do…every daily routine…there’s a hole.
Started this morning with my alarm randomly deciding not to go off and he wasn’t my backup. He used to start walking around me, making sure to get close enough to my head the second or third loop to step on my hair. Somehow he managed to stiff leg himself and thump thump thump pointedly by…whereas normally you barely noticed he was there.
There was no “get up now” paw to my head…then to my nose.. and if I really ignored him I’d get a soft paw on the eyelid. Next up would be a single lick to the head…then cheek…then nose…and I learned quick not to let it get to the eyelid. Nothing weirder I can think of than having a cat lick your eyelid at 5am!
Now I’m up and in the bathroom. There’s no one sitting at my feet waiting for me to pet his head and remember to change his water. No one dashing ahead of me out of the door to the kitchen.
Even the routine of feeding the dogs is different. Used to be, they got fed and back in their play area while I fed him, and then they got to get their Kongs outside. This morning I brought them in and realized…now there’s no reason to put them in the pen. I did anyway but it was odd.
Every time I eat, I’m not being given undivided attention by a pair of yellow eyes. No paw patting me on the arm or leg asking for a taste or seven or heck, the whole thing. At lunch I tossed my paper plate on the ground for him to clean off and felt like the world’s biggest idiot .
Decided to try and take a nap to maybe forget for a little while how I was feeling…laid down on the couch and found myself making room for him to join me. We took naps many times together with him at my feet, against my leg, or curled up against my stomach. This time…I just couldn’t do it and gave up on a nap.
It’s put trash out day so I decided to dump his litterbox…and found out I couldn’t. I just couldn’t throw it away when I could see the little divots his paws made in the silica litter. I felt dumb…I can’t keep a litterbox….so I compromised. Got a baggie and scooped up the clean litter where his paw divots were. The rest went out and the baggie went back in the box until I can let that go too. It’s clean litter, I had just changed it.
Seeing his spot on top of some boxes I made into steps for him to see out of the window was breaking my heart every time I walked by. I decided to clean up and rearrange the stuff there…and broke down when a clump of his loose fur was in the corner. I am dreading house cleaning as I know how much fur is still around.
Dinner time was quiet and I had to throw away my crumbs and remembered not to drop my plate on the floor. Went to take a bath and put my towel on the tub like I always did so he could jump up without sliding off and then realized what I was doing. The last few years, Rudy loved to sit on the side of the tub and I would wipe him down with wet hands and rub his fur until he was slightly damp. Then he’d spend the next half hour putting his fur back in order while I got ready for bed. I figured he had trouble reaching some areas and appreciated the help.
Now it’s bedtime. Caught myself waiting for him to run down the hallway for his nightly snack of treats. Found myself looking down coming out of the bathroom so I didn’t trip on him. Worst of all…I’m laying in bed realizing I’m waiting for him to join me.
I know this is going to take some time…but in the meantime…this Sucks. Capital S.
I miss you buddy.
